Not Pregnant

I wish I had good news. I’m not pregnant. We are heartbroken. Six failed IVF transfers. It doesn’t even seem real.

I got up feeling hopeful this morning. Excited even. I didn’t take one home pregnancy test the entire time. I was so proud of myself. It was a completely different experience. It was better. I didn’t drive myself crazy for a week. Y’all don’t understand what a big deal this is because a typical transfer looks like me starting to test on day 5. That means I spend five days feeling completely out of control. I take 2-3 home pregnancy tests a day. I don’t drink enough water because I don’t want to dilute my urine for the test. I wake up with the hope of a positive pregnancy test, only to be completely devastated with one line. I squint my eyes multiple times a day looking at the test. I put it in all the best angles of light. I silently beg that I will see something. I don’t, even though my eyes try to trick me. I spend the five days in total gloom and despair. I can’t drink, I can’t exercise, I can’t have sex, I still have to take shots and yet I know I’m not pregnant. This time it was different. I was so calm and cautiously optimistic for the full 10 days of waiting. I was anxious, but I was still hopeful. No matter what, I am still so thankful I didn’t test on my own.

My mom picked me up and took me to my blood test this morning. All the staff were giving me well wishes and good lucks. I even got a “congratulations” from someone because they were speaking it into the universe that I was pregnant. I felt nervous, but I felt good.

We went to breakfast and talked about possibilities. I told my mom that Brian and I had discussed what we were going to do today. Brian said if we were pregnant he would be drinking a whole bottle of champagne and if we weren’t we would be drinking a whole bottle of whisky. Whiskey, no. All the wine, yes. She took me to get a pedicure after breakfast to pass the time and keep me relaxed. As I was getting a pedicure, my palms started sweating. I was so nervous in anticipation as the clock ticked. We still hadn’t heard anything, so we decided to go shopping. We walked around and passed the time.

Then my phone rang. I knew it was my clinic calling. We were standing in the middle of a store, our hands full of clothes. As I answered and the nurse spoke, I knew right away. It’s the same tone I’ve heard in each and every call to tell me I’m not pregnant. As soon as the nurse said “Hi Holly” I looked at my mom and shook my head from side to side. She said “I’m so sorry, I wish I had good news. You’re not pregnant.” I go numb. I said “thank you, it’s okay.” I drop the clothes and we leave the store. There is a restaurant next door and with tears in my eyes, I looked at my mom and asked if we could go have a glass of wine. I don’t want to go home. I want to go somewhere, even if it means crying in public.

I text Brian. I can’t call him because I will breakdown. I tell him how sorry I am. I tell him I’m not pregnant. Of course he calls immediately. I breakdown. Glass of wine in hand and tears rolling down my cheeks, the server brings me tissues. It was kind and thoughtful.

Brian picks me up and brings me downtown to drink away our sorrows. It has been a beautiful, sunshiny (albeit hot Houston) day. And through the blue skies and sunshine it has poured down rain. I see the beauty amidst the rain. And I will continue to see it no matter what. Nothing about this chapter of our lives has been easy. Nothing. But I refuse to stop seeing the beauty in it.

Where does this leave us? I don’t know. What I do know is that we will have a family. We might not get there the way that we envisioned it. And that’s okay.

I will keep sharing. The good, the bad, the ugly. I am so thankful for the support we have received through it all. Keep it coming. We need it. We love you.