Advice Part II: How to Support Someone Through Infertility

 
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This is based on my personal experience and preferences over the past two years and there will definitely be couples that don’t share the same experience as me. I have chosen to be open through this process and because of that I open the door for peoples responses and interactions with me as we travel this journey together. Below is the advice I would give to anyone who knows someone struggling with infertility. Infertility not an easy journey, but the love and support we get through it has allowed us to see the beauty and light in our friendships on our darkest days.

Love on the husband. I feel like the husband is often overlooked during this struggle because the woman is the one undergoing all of the physical procedures and hormonal craziness. And although I am the one experiencing the physical scars, we are both left with the emotional scars (side note: this is not always the case with couples who are dealing with male factor infertility…in that situation, the husband sometimes does procedures too). From my perspective, there are days that I feel like Brian is alone in this. Not in the sense that he doesn’t have support, because he has an incredible group of friends, a loving family and great co-workers. But because some days he has to focus all his energy on supporting me. There are days that he carries the emotional stress for us both. So where does that leave him? He is so good at compartmentalizing his stress so that it doesn’t flow into and affect other areas of his life, but eventually that starts to wear on a person. Here are a few ways to love on the husband:

  •  Go grab a beer. I'm not saying that the husband even wants to talk about the woes of infertility, but being able to unplug from something that consumes every aspect of your life is a nice way to hit the reset button. And maybe he wants to talk about it. Give him the space to decide.

  • If you're a co-worker and know about the IVF situation, help the husband out when he needs it. I can't say enough about the amazing people Brian work with. It would be A LOT more stressful if we didn't have their support. We had a big IVF appointment recently, which coincided with a high-stress filing at Brian's work. One of Brian's co-worker's covered for him, no questions asked. There aren't enough words to express gratitude for actions like that.

  • Being around babies affects the husbands too. Give him a pass on birthday parties or events where lots of cute babes will be.

  • If you are talking to a couple about their infertility struggles, share your empathy and compassion with the husband too. From our experience, empathy is mainly directed at me when we are both engaged in conversations about our struggle. Even at our appointments, the doctors or nurses are looking at and speaking directly to me for the majority of the conversation while Brian sits next to me. Make eye contact and really put in the effort to make the husband feel supported.

Lead every conversation with empathy. I think an essential part of this is simply listening. I get a lot of different responses from people when I tell my story. Some people go straight to advice for what they think I should do, some people go straight to comparison with personal things they’ve experienced (which isn’t necessarily about IVF), some people build you up with words of affirmation and encouragement and some people don’t know what to say at all. Let me tell you, it is perfectly fine to not know what to say. You don't have to pretend to know what someone is going through for them to feel supported by you. It’s okay to just say “I don’t really know what to say. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. You are so strong. I am here for you.” Asking questions and really listening and responding with empathetic statements is so much better than any advice you can give. This will help us feel supported and acknowledged. Here are a few things that typically trigger women dealing with infertility and our corresponding thoughts:

  • When are you going to have a baby? || Every time I get this question, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Never make assumptions about someone’s path to parenthood. This question is very painful for someone struggling with infertility.

  • You really need to relax  || Yeah, I know. AND this is the most physically, mentally and financially stressful thing I’ve ever done, so relaxing isn't really an option right now

  • It will happen as soon as you stop trying || I would LOVE to be able to stop trying and miraculously get pregnant, but given my infertility diagnosis not trying potentially means no baby

  • You really need to go on a vacation || Well we just spent over $50,000 on infertility treatments so a vacation isn’t really in the budget

  • It will happen when you least expect it || Actually it will happen exactly when I expect it because my embryo transfer and corresponding pregnancy test is scheduled

  • This sounds as stressful as the time when we XYZ || This hurts, especially when it's not related to infertility. Comparing your pain to someone else’s pain isn’t necessary

  • Have you thought about adoption?|| Well actually, we have! And we probably will. But that has nothing to do with us going through IVF. I want to experience pregnancy and have a biological child. Also, average adoption wait times are 18 months when going through an agency, which may include heartbreaking failed adoptions and typically costs over $40,000

From my experience, feeling acknowledged and loved through this process has come through intentional listening and words of affirmation. No advice giving or comparison needed. Obviously if you have experienced infertility and found something that really helped you, whether it’s a certain doctor, holistic treatments, a certain diet, etc. please share! I think for any of us on this journey we always want to share in experiences of success. Just don’t take it personal if we opt out of trying it. We each have our own complex situation and what may have worked really well for you, might not be a good fit for me. And that’s okay!

Words of affirmation and encouragement are everything. I've mentioned this a few times and it's because I have drawn a lot of strength from the affirmations I get from people as I navigate our infertility journey. When I'm having a bad day and having momentary thoughts of giving up, someone simply saying "you're strong, you've got this" can totally alter my perspective. It helps me remember that my story isn't over. That even though my heart is aching, I am stronger than I ever realized. Just reading a text or a message or hearing someone tell me that I am strong makes me feel stronger. The following has really resonated with me when someone has said them:

  • I love you

  • You’re so strong

  • You’re so brave

  • You’re so courageous

  • You’re so inspiring

  • You’re going to be the best mom

  • That child will be so loved

  • You’re a badass

  • You've got this

  • I'm here for you

I could go on and on. Trust me, there are plenty of days that I feel helpless. Days that I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. And it’s the sweet, consistent support I get through these words of affirmation and encouragement that enables me to pick myself back up.

We still want to hang out! All you Fertile Myrtles out there might not think so, but we still love you AND your cute babies and we want to continue to nurture our relationship through this tough time. Some days might be more difficult than others, so we might take a rain check. For baby showers and baby birthday parties, the most loving thing to do is give us a pass. We still might come, but sending a text or calling to say "I understand that you may not want to come but I want to you know that I'm thinking about you and you're invited" eases the guilt and shame we hold about not being in the right head space for it. Reach out! Let’s catch up. We may or may not talk about all the craziness of infertility and if we do don’t feel like you have to say the right thing to empathize. Just let us know you’re here for support.

You can’t fix it. This is specifically for the families loving their child through infertility. I know this has been the hardest part for my family. Seeing me in so much pain and not being able to give Brian and I the one thing we desire the most has been really heartbreaking for them. No amount of money or time or hugs can guarantee a baby. For me personally, the best way to show up is with unconditional support. Here are a few ways to show it:

  • Go to appointments. One amazing thing my mom has done to support me is to come with me to appointments. There are SO many...I’m talking 133 appointments in the last 22 months! And Brian can’t make it to every single one because of work. So when he can’t go, she is there. Even my sister steps in to be there when I need someone to hold my hand.

  • Some financial support is huge. I know this is not always possible and I am so thankful for the help we have received up to this point. This is the most financially taxing thing a lot of couples will ever go through. Add in some crazy hormones and it’s no wonder infertility brings so much stress into a marriage. Any small or large gesture is more appreciated than you will ever know. Even if it’s just a free lunch after an appointment.

  • Listen without judgement. Let your little girl cry on your shoulder with ugly tears and just be there with open arms and open ears. You can’t fix it, so advice on new doctors or what has worked for someone else just brings more insecurities and stress into the situation. Ultimately, we know it’s out of love, but in the moment it hurts. So listen intentionally and trust your baby because this is something that you can’t fix. Our mama instincts are already kicking in and we will trust our intuition to make the right decisions.

Pray. It is so comforting to me to know that on the days that Brian and I don't have the strength to pray, there are people lifting us up. There are people who are praying for our strength and praying for God to bless us with a child. We are forever grateful for your prayers.