Hurry Up & Wait

One of the hardest parts of infertility is all the waiting. If there is one thing that remains constant through treatment, it is waiting and then waiting some more. No matter what phase you're in on your infertility journey, the idea of hurry up and wait is something we can all relate to.

And it's not just waiting on the "big" things. It's waiting to get a doctor's consult and feeling anxious about what he/she is going to say about what type of treatment you need. It's waiting on your treatment schedule and being unable to make any big plans because you don't know if you'll be able to commit. It's waiting for a call back from the nurse with instructions on how to proceed for the day and feeling anxiety if you go to the bathroom without your phone because what if they happen to call in that moment. It's waiting in all the waiting rooms…waiting to get an ultrasound, waiting to get bloodwork, waiting to get prescriptions, waiting to talk to the doctor…and being left with only your thoughts. It's waiting to be able to have that big glass of wine that you so deserve…kind of kidding but not really.

And then there are the big things. It's waiting to hear how many eggs were retrieved during your egg retrieval. It's waiting to hear the next day how many of those eggs were mature and fertilized. It's waiting a week from then to hear how many of your fertilized eggs made it to embryos. It's waiting two more weeks to see how many of your embryos tested normal or abnormal. It's waiting about five weeks for your body to heal so that you can do a frozen embryo transfer. It's waiting 10-12 days after your transfer to see if your pregnant. It's waiting to see if you stay pregnant. It's all the waiting in between each cycle of treatment and feeling tethered down by a life of infertility.

It’s a whirlwind of emotionally charged waiting. It gets to the point where your life feels out of control because of all the waiting. It's organized chaos. It's messy and complicated, but it is all you know in this chapter in your life.

I am on my 14th day of injections for my third egg retrieval. I have been waiting the past couple of days to get the green light from my doctor to do my trigger shot, which will force the ovulation of all my eggs. It also gives me a concrete date for my egg retrieval, which is why I want it so badly…I want to have a plan. Today in particular I waited on the call back from the nurse and I was sure I would be getting the instructions to trigger tonight. I waited and waited. As I waited I felt more anxiety. I usually get the call at 1pm and I didn't get the call until 4pm. We are not triggering tonight. Another night of injections. Another monitoring appointment tomorrow to check bloodwork. Another day waiting in waiting rooms and waiting on a call back with more instructions. My hormones are out of control at the moment (estrogen is currently over 18,000), which really makes this a lot harder.

I keep reminding myself that this is temporary. That there is life beyond infertility treatments and all the waiting that comes along with it. That even if our plan B doesn't go exactly how we thought it would, we will still be okay. That the silver lining in all of this waiting is that I have been given patience, which has never been my virtue. Brian and I are resilient and we will grow our family one way or another. Even if that means we have to hurry up and wait.