Two Week Wait
I've been so good. Until today.
I'm currently in my "two week wait." I had a fresh embryo transfer on June 9th and I go in on Friday for my official blood test to find out whether or not I'm pregnant.
I feel wrapped up in anxiety, so here I am writing. I'm trying to process it, so I can let it go. Before today I actually felt good. I felt strong. I felt like I could conquer anything. It's funny how my emotions can change in an instant with no specific explanation I can point to. I don't even feel tempted to take a pregnancy test, which is shocking. I just feel this burning in my chest. A sensation that is hard to explain, but that I have felt over and over again throughout my infertility journey. Anxiety.
As I drove into work today, I felt on the verge of a panic attack. I parked and turned on a meditation. I silently started to list all the things in my life that I am grateful for. I prayed. I prayed for peace in my heart and calm in my head. It helped a lot, but as I have moved through this day it has been lingering beneath the surface.
Over the course of 18 months, I have experienced five failed frozen embryo transfers. With those experiences come feelings of desperation, heartbreak, devastation, depression and so on. So while I still have feelings of hope that this could be it for us, the logical and realistic part of my brain screams at me that it's not possible. Don't even kid yourself, Holly. Don't set yourself up for that excruciating disappointment. So instead I try and balance these opposing thoughts. I am cautiously optimistic and still guarding my heart. I am trying my best to envision myself pregnant, while still accepting that this might not be my path.
There is a funny article on Babble that describes the 8 stages of the two week wait for a woman (paraphrased a bit):
The NBD stage - You're positive and hopeful and keeping your cool. It's out of your hands now and all you have to do is wait. This lasts for about 1-2 days.
The OMG I just know I'm pregnant stage - on about your third day you just KNOW that you're pregnant. Your little embryo is warm and cozy in your uterus. Every single thing you feel is a pregnancy symptom. I'm tired - yep, I'm pregnant. I felt a little pinch - oh, definitely pregnant. Light headed - pregnant for sure.
The definitely not pregnant stage - after a day or two of thinking you are definitely pregnant, that doubt starts to creep in. After a while, you convince yourself that you're definitely NOT pregnant. Where are all my symptoms? I must not be pregnant. Even though you wouldn't be feeling any real symptoms at this point anyways.
The Google is my BFF stage - Around day 5 or 6 you spend all day googling. You start reading fertility board communications from 2009, which aren't even relevant anymore but you don't care. Anything that can tell you that you are pregnant is searched for high and low. You google every possible pregnancy symptom and of course you find someone that had the exact same dream as you that got pregnant. Google is my BFF.
The boycott Google stage - You realize that all the googling is starting to drive you crazy and not really helping. So you quit…maybe for an hour or two.
Okay, let's take a home pregnancy test stage - it's too early to get an accurate response, but you do it anyways. Other women get positive tests so why wouldn't you. Negative. And yes, later you dig the test out of the trash just to double check.
The gloom and self-pity stage - all home tests are negative. You start to wallow in self-pity. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I putting myself through this?
The total insanity stage - you walk into your blood test feeling completely insane. You're annoyed that you even have to go get bloodwork done. You already know you're not pregnant. It seems like a punishment. You wish you never tested in the first place. But then you're glad you did because at least you know. At least you won't be smacked over the head with the bad news.
These stages really rang true to me during my first five transfers and I think a lot of women can relate. It's such an emotional rollercoaster. You grasp for control that you do not have. You go from excited and hopeful to absolutely insane in just 10 days. I haven't felt quite the same this time around. Probably because I'm determined not to take a home pregnancy test. But I do still feel anxious. I feel uneasy and at peace at the same time. I am worried about how I will handle a negative result. I feel so protective of my heart and I hate that I'm putting myself through this again. And I also believe that I will be okay. That no matter how this turns out, Brian and I will figure it out. We will put one foot in front of the other and keep going down this winding path.