The Secret Sorority

But first, an update! In my last post we were unsure what was happening with Brandi's health. She had to be rushed to the ER after feeling unbearable cramping and pain in her low abdomen and the OB ended up removing a mass during an exploratory surgery. After what felt like a million years (even though it was just a few days), my doctor reviewed Brandi's operative and pathology report. It was a clear-cut ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is a tubal pregnancy where a fertilized egg attaches outside of the uterus and is non-viable. Emergency surgery is often performed and the fertilized egg along with the fallopian tube is removed. Y'all, ectopic pregnancies occur in about 1%-2% of all pregnancies. There are fewer than 200,000 cases per year and they can be very dangerous if the tube ruptures. Brandi had been on birth control for three weeks, had a negative pregnancy test just a week before and had a tubal ligation (tubes tied) three years ago. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!

It has been almost a month since Brandi's surgery. The procedure was laparoscopic, which means it didn't affect her uterus at all - GOOD NEWS! She has healed so well and has been a light in the darkness throughout it all. Let me tell you, this woman is a rock star. The silver lining to all of this is that I feel so much more connected with her now. I loved her before and now I am just amazed with her strength and resilience. It has made Brian and I realize just how invested she is in all of this. Did I mention I freaking LOVE her?!

So what's next? The next steps after an ectopic pregnancy are actually very straightforward. Her HCG (pregnancy hormone) just had to drop to zero for us to continue. Her HCG levels were negative after her first blood draw, which is incredible! For some women the HCG level drops to zero quickly and for others it can take months. Our clinic is closed for a period at the end of this month, so timing-wise we are probably going to have to skip this cycle. We are delayed a bit, but God works in mysterious ways and this is His timing, not mine.

Now onto the actual post…

I always tell people I feel like I'm in a secret sorority. I've been connected with other women who have been down the road of surrogacy, some who are in the process currently and some who have successfully completed their journey. They have given me so much guidance in these beginning months. These women have literally been my shoulder to cry on when I need it most. They are my biggest cheerleaders. They make me laugh until I cry. Oh and we drink all the wine. I couldn't imagine going down this road less traveled without them. Yes, you can google whatever you want and probably find an article of some kind, but getting guidance from people you trust is unmatched and I am so thankful for it. So here I am. Inviting everyone to have a sneak peek into my secret sorority. To get an up close and personal look at what it's like to go through the surrogacy process. Maybe this is an option you have considered yourself. Maybe you are just interested in knowing more about it. No matter what brought you here, I hope you find these posts helpful and enlightening.

Let's start at the beginning. The first step is making the decision. People pursue growing their family via surrogate for many different reasons. For me, my heart and body were broken. Over a two year period, I had six failed IVF transfers with a total of nine healthy embryos and knew we needed to talk about other options so that our hearts and my body could heal. Some women experience so many losses that surrogacy is the best route for them. Some women are born without a uterus. Other women have conditions that could potentially be life threatening to get pregnant and carry a child…cardiovascular conditions, autoimmune diseases, blood clotting disorders…just to name a few. And obviously, if you are in a same sex relationship, surrogacy is a popular option to grow a family. I think there is a common misconception that anyone can just use a surrogate. Based on my understanding and per the guidelines of The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), surrogacy should only be used “when a true medical condition precludes the intended parent from carrying a pregnancy or would pose a significant risk of death or harm to the woman or the fetus." So basically, a doctor has to give the green light for a couple to go the surrogacy route based on a medical condition. My belief is that women don't just choose to spend $150,000 so that they can keep their bodies and drink all the wine they want. During my research, however, I did come across articles about "designer surrogacy" and "social surrogacy" where women did somehow manage to use a surrogate because they didn't want to put their life on hold. I would give anything in the world to carry my own child, so I really can't wrap my head around this concept. I didn't find much on it, so hopefully it's not a common thing. My agency required approval from my doctor and I had to list my medical condition in the agency agreement. See below…

Now you need to decide if you are using an agency or going independent. Pros of using an agency: they match you! This is by far the biggest benefit provided by an agency on the intended parents side. They do all the pre-work to determine whether or not someone is qualified to be a surrogate - background checks, interviews, home study, etc. The agency is a middle man that coordinates all the necessary steps leading up to the transfer and during the pregnancy - basically anything that needs to get done (fingerprinting, insurance reviews, escrow account setup, travel coordination for surrogate, etc.) they will refer you to the point of contact and help keep you on task. If a problem arises, a good agency should step in and run interference. Problems can be as simple as communication issues between the intended parents and the surrogate. Problems can also be as heavy as termination choices. The benefit is, you have a third party to play referee. The agency is also your go-to when you have questions and they should help navigate you through the process. The cons of using an agency: they are EXPENSIVE! An average agency fee in Texas is about $20,000. Also, I think it's important to mentally prepare yourself that the relationship the agency has with your surrogate will always come first. I know that sounds strange since the intended parents are paying for a service, but it's the truth. I hear it over and over again from intended parents using different agencies. The agency advocates for the surrogates. It's not rare for the intended parents to feel like they aren't getting the same amount of attention as the surrogate. I hear about little things all the time…the agency sending the surrogate gifts for big milestones and signing the agency's name on it. The intended parent is experiencing that big milestone too, but somehow feels left out. Getting a dinner invitation that says "for our intended mothers and our WONDERFUL surrogates." As the intended mother, I can understand why that stings. I also recognize that the surrogates are doing something amazing and deserve to be acknowledged as much as possible. The thing is, even though intended mothers may have a successful, healthy surrogate pregnancy, we are still experiencing pain and loss from not carrying our own baby. We want to feel important in the process too. So with these scenarios, I feel like there are more thoughtful ways to go about things. Maybe just loop the intended parents in about the gift and let them sign their names on it. Or write the invitation to make it clear the intended mother and surrogate are both wonderful. Okay, now I'm off my soap box. If you go independent, you are just cutting out the agency. You think you would save a bunch of money by not paying agency fees, but you typically end up paying the surrogate more for her base pay instead. If going indy, it is important to have a thorough understanding of the process and what steps need to happen. It is common for couples to go independent on their second journey since they have been through it once before and know the ropes. Communication and trust with your surrogate will be key in a successful, uncomplicated independent journey.

We chose to go the agency route and I am glad we did. If you have a fertility clinic, get some recommendations for agencies that they work with. Join some Facebook groups that revolve around surrogacy…Surrogate & Intended Parents, Texas Surrogacy and Surrogacy Agency Reviews - US Only are all really good resources that discuss agencies and a multitude of other topics. Setup phone consultations with multiple agencies and if you like them, fill out applications. You do not have to and SHOULD NOT pay the agency fee upfront. If the agency wants you to pay something before you get matched, choose a different agency. I got myself on waitlists with three separate recommended agencies. There are a whole lot more intended parents out there than surrogates and it can take an average of four months to be matched.

Also, you're going to need embryos! If you don't have some already, choose a fertility clinic that can help support your surrogacy journey. You can undergo IVF yourself, use an egg donor or even adopt embryos. There are so many beautiful possibilities on this journey to grow your family.

My advice for anyone that finds themselves in a situation where surrogacy may be their best option…connect with other women or couples who are going through it or who have been through it. Maybe it's not surrogacy. Maybe it's other infertility struggles. Maybe it's a different struggle all together. FIND YOUR TRIBE. I have more faith on this journey because of these women. More importantly, I have made life-long friendships that I cherish every day. I am so thankful for this secret sorority.

Up next, I will dive deep into the matching process…