Advice Part I: For my IVF & Infertility Warriors

Since we have some time in between our next egg retrieval, I decided to do a post with advice that has been helpful for me over the past two years. I will be breaking it up into three parts - (1) advice for my IVF & infertility warriors, (2) advice for the wonderful, loving people who support us through it and (3) advice for the husbands (who are sometimes the most overlooked in all of this), which will be written by Brian.

The following are my thoughts on how you can thrive in the midst of IVF and all the adversity that comes along with it.

Recognize that this process is a marathon, not a sprint. You might get pregnant with your first cycle, and I hope you do! I know many women that got pregnant on their first round of IVF and they have beautiful, healthy babies to show for it. Even treatments before IVF have success. My sister got pregnant on her third IUI. Even still, there is a lot of waiting involved in the process. Waiting to get an appointment with a clinic, waiting on results for a diagnosis (and sometimes there is none - they call this unexplained infertility), waiting before you begin IVF so that the timing is just right, waiting on more results, waiting in between cycles…it goes on and on. Waiting can sometimes be the most stressful and frustrating part. I also didn't think about how long this process could potentially take. We are going on 23 months of fertility treatments and I'm about to start over. If you would have told me 23 months ago that we would have gone through two egg retrievals and five failed transfers with no success, I never would have believed you. My infertility diagnosis was really hard for me to accept because most of my life I have experienced instant gratification, which has been a mix of privilege, working really hard and straight up luck. It's a little embarrassing to admit and I have worked on letting go the shame I feel around that. That's not to say my life has always been easy. When I was 25 years old I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. But even then I had a medical team in an instant that had my thyroid surgically removed within 15 days of my diagnosis. When you go through something like infertility and nothing is in control, it's a hard reality check. It was a tough pill to swallow when I realized I couldn't just try really hard and boom I'd get pregnant. Patience has never been my virtue, but I've started to accept that this is not my timing, it's His. I read stories all the time about women who finally have success and say if they would have gotten pregnant with one of the embryos that failed, they would not have the sweet baby in their arms that they couldn't imagine life without. I have surrendered to the idea that my life is nowhere near what I thought it would be. Instead, it's much more beautiful and intricate than I could have ever imagined. Because there will be nothing sweeter once I finish this marathon. I can't wait to get there.

Live outside of fertility. I visited a friend's church recently and the pastor said "A waiting season doesn't have to be a wasted season." It really resonated with me because Brian and I spent a good year letting life take a back seat while we lived by our fertility schedule. We wouldn't RSVP to parties, plan trips or even go out for that matter because we were either (1) right about to start a treatment, (2) right in the middle of treatment or (3) waiting to get our treatment schedule. Let me tell you, you CAN live outside of fertility. It is definitely more challenging, but it is so worth it. Take advantage of this time with your spouse because it is so precious and pretty soon (in the grand scheme of things) it won’t just be the two of you. Once Brian and I decided to live outside of fertility, we felt free. That's not to say we don't sometimes succumb to old habits of feeling stuck, but we try our best to overcome it. We go out to dinners and drink all the wine. We ride our bikes and explore our city from a different perspective, soaking up all the beauty it has to offer and finding hidden nooks and crannies we didn't even know existed. We took a break from fertility and took a dream vacation (I swam with pigs!). After a year of holding myself back, I became a Big Sister to a sweet seven year old girl with Big Brothers Big Sisters of Greater Houston and she brings me more joy than I ever imagined. So plan that trip. Take a break. Schedule a wine night with friends. It will all turn out okay and you can take back some of the control that infertility has stolen from you. Don't let fear dictate how you live. Continue to do the things you love. Look for the beauty around you. Open your eyes and be grateful for all of your blessings even when they are hard to see. You are going through a hard season. A season of uphill battles and struggle. But it doesn't have to be wasted. Allow yourself to dance in the rain. I am living my best life while going through my worst season. I invite you to do the same.

Find your tribe. The struggle of infertility can feel very isolating, especially if you have no one to relate to. One thing I read over and over again while doing research before I started IVF was to surround myself with support. Surround myself with people in my life that I know will lift me up when I'm down even if they don't completely understand my situation. When I found out IVF was the route we were going to take, I immediately told the women in my life that I knew would support me through it. And they have. I am so thankful for the strong women who have given me words of affirmation during the most trying times. When we finally opened up about our infertility struggles publicly, the amount of support we received was overwhelming in the best possible way. As soon as I opened up, I had women continuously reach out to me and vulnerably share their stories. 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility. 1 in 8. People just don't talk about it and let me tell you that is a very lonely place to be. For me, it was therapeutic to share stories and connect with these women. I have made real friendships with women that I only know because of infertility. Women who have reached out and offered to help me through this journey with open ears and a glass of wine when I really needed to process what I was going through. I am so thankful for the people lifting me up in prayer on the days that I can't pray. I have created these networks of support and without them my hard days would be much harder. Bottom line is, it isn't necessary to suffer in silence. Lean into the people you can count on and if someone is offering you their support, take it.

Make your relationship with your spouse your number one priority. Y'all, going through this struggle is not easy on a marriage. If you're not intentional about keeping your relationship a priority, infertility can really make things messy. I honestly feel like one of the lucky ones because Brian has been my rock throughout this process. I am not saying that it has all been pretty. We have definitely had highs and lows, but we are much stronger for it. I do know that one of the most important things is to be aligned with your spouse as you navigate this journey. Before you begin fertility treatments, really talk about how this process will impact you both. Have the hard conversations. What happens if it doesn't work? I remember breaking down in the car one night with Brian and just sobbing. I asked him if he would still love me if I couldn't give him a child. He said if he knew that I couldn't have a baby when we met, he would marry me all over again. He said as long as we were together, that's all he needed. I cried even harder and suddenly I felt lighter. I knew in that moment that we would be okay no matter what. I still cry and feel relief every time I think about that conversation. I no longer have to carry this burden of feeling like he deserves more than what I am able to give him. Know that the fertility drugs will seriously affect your mood and there is a high likelihood of breakdowns and emotionally charged conversations. Ask for a pass from your husband before these things happen. Ask for unconditional support. Love your spouse hard and make time for each other.

It's okay to say no. You DO NOT have to go to baby showers or any events/parties where you may be triggered. It took me a while to figure this out. Instead of doing what I know would have been better for my mental health, I was putting myself in situations where I knew I would spend a whole day trying to pick myself back up. I would go to the bathroom and cry at a baby shower while the beautiful mama-to-be opened up presents. I looked happy and smiley on the outside, but I was suffering on the inside. Your friends might not understand exactly what you are going through, but they will love you through it. Have a loving conversation with them about why it's something you're not up for.

Find your strength and let it shine. Don't let the fear of failure hold you back from pursuing what you most desire. If I'm being honest, I had no clue how hard IVF would be. I was so caught up in the small stuff…I was worried about the shots, I was sad that I couldn't have this magical, surprise pregnancy announcement for Brian and our families, I was annoyed that I had to pay all this money to get pregnant with doctors intervention when all my friends were getting pregnant so easily. Thinking about the things I worried about before we started IVF makes me roll my eyes. Compared to everything, it is all pretty insignificant. And I don't want to downplay how any other woman has experienced IVF. This is just my experience. Having taken well over 100 shots, they are now a piece of cake. I have gotten to a point where I can give them to myself and feel empowered. As for a cute pregnancy announcement, I would give anything just to see two lines on a stick. I pray every day that I will get pregnant, no matter how I get there. All this to say, I really didn't understand why IVF would be so challenging. It's not just shots and procedures. It's much more emotional than that. It's the waiting and waiting and waiting. It's feeling completely out of control. It's this never ending loop of hope and disappointment. There is so much to it and you will undergo physical and emotional stresses that you aren't necessarily prepared for. And even though you are not prepared, you will grow more on this journey than you ever imagined. Find your strength. I found strength inside myself that I didn't even know existed. It has made me realize I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible. You will too.

You are allowed to have a bad day. Just pick yourself right back up. I have more of them than I would like to admit. I also have felt shame around the days where I needed to just feel sad. I have learned that giving myself a day to grieve and really feel all the pain is therapeutic. Our lives are so busy. We work, we have to be emotionally available for our spouse, we try to stay connected to other hobbies or interests. I teach yoga once a week and it can be hard some days to lead a group of 20+ people energetically through a class. We suppress all these feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness on a day to day basis so that we can keep going, because life doesn't stop when you're in the midst of struggle. Have a bad day. Or maybe it’s just a bad morning or a bad hour. But as soon as you are ready, pick yourself back up. Do something just for you to get back in the right headspace. Do yoga, go for a walk, get a mani/pedi, go snuggle with your puppies. Do whatever it is that will bring you out of the darkness and into joy. 

Be patient with those who don't understand what you're going through. This can be a hard one. So many friends and family members and STRANGERS feel the need to give advice about what I should be doing during my infertility journey. Things like…just stop thinking about it and it will happen, just relax, have you thought about adoption, have you tried antibiotics, go on vacation, it will happen when you least expect it, this sounds as stressful as that time we remodeled our house, are you sure your doctor knows what he's doing, have sex on the stairs upside down (just kidding, no one actually said that one to me, but you get the point)…the list goes on and on. Infertility is such a complex thing and everyone's situation is different. Because of that it's hard to educate someone on the specifics of my case unless they REALLY want to know. So instead these comments are oftentimes met with a smile and nod, when really I'm doing my best to not explode or cry or roll my eyes depending what is said. Over time I have learned that the advice, comments and suggestions typically come from a place of love. They come from a place of seeing my struggle and wanting to help. With this in mind it is much easier for me to let these things go and give the people who say them a pass. In part II of this blog post I will be sharing advice for people supporting couples through infertility and the most loving way it can be done.