One Week at a Time
“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light” - Brene Brown
Quick update on our cycle: We are officially geared up for our third egg retrieval. I have been on birth control for the past two weeks and had my baseline scan this past Friday. Everything looks great. My ovaries are quiet, which just means I don't have any follicles (eggs) growing and my hormone levels are right where they need to be. I'm now off birth control and will start taking my stimulation injections this week.
This past week I went to therapy. It’s been a long time coming and I honestly don’t know why I waited so long to seek help. It has become clear to me that I’m holding onto a lot of trauma that has built up over the past 23 months. It’s about time I let someone with real, professional experience help me sift through it all.
Over the past six weeks I have felt pretty numb. I have been completely disconnected to what we are about to go through. For the first time in my life I can't visualize myself pregnant and that in itself is overwhelmingly sad for me. I don't want this to affect my cycle. I want to give this process the best of me. I want to make sure that every cell in my body is all in. That I am present for each moment, even the hard ones.
Serendipitously, someone posted on my Houston IVF support group last week asking for a good therapist. I immediately reached out to the person that was recommended and requested an appointment. She happened to have a cancelation the following day and I got in.
We connected immediately. Turns out we were both Zetas at The University of Texas. The conversation flowed naturally, which I wasn’t expecting. I instantly felt comforted and nurtured by her and I knew I was in the right place. Again, why have I waited so long to seek help? She specializes in all things fertility, so I didn't have to explain any of the medical issues I have been through. I felt acknowledged and understood.
After our 5th failed transfer in April, I was experiencing shortness of breath and panic attacks. Historically, I am not an anxious person. Throw in the Hunger Games of fertility and I am now in constant fight or flight mode. What my therapist said really made sense. I have been through trauma. The trauma I have been through is heavy. All the emotional aspects of loss when each of my five transfers failed. All the physical trauma I have put my body through after two egg retrievals. It's A LOT. And the WHY behind me feeling disconnected and numb? It's my mind and body's way of protecting me. I have experienced so much failure and disappointment and there is still quite of bit of uncertainty ahead of me, so I am in self-preservation mode.
She gave me some great tools to use as I go through this next cycle:
Take it one week at a time. Instead of creating stress and worry about what I am anticipating, I will focus only on the things that I have planned for the week. This is hard. Having been through multiple egg retrievals, I know what I'm getting myself into. It's one of the most physically and mentally challenging parts of the whole process. You're constantly waiting on results and numbers while you are physically in pain. You are pumped full of hormones that make you feel like a crazy person. So my work is to focus on one week at a time. Is that possible? I think so. This will also be a beneficial tool when I get pregnant. Because if I get pregnant it is not all rainbows and butterflies. It is waiting to see if I'm going stay pregnant. So taking that part week by week will be so important.
Use reframing to retrain my brain. I have so many fears and worries. Sometimes it can get out of control if I allow my thoughts to take over. A fear pops into my head…This transfer will fail. Which leads to…I will never be pregnant. Which leads to…I'll never be a mom. Which leads to…I'll be a miserable person. Which leads to…my husband will leave me. This is an excessive example because I DO think I will be a mom no matter how I get there, but you get the idea of one thought that spirals out of control into a million other worries. It happens. And now it's time to reframe. This is how you do it:
When that fear or worry pops into my head, I write it down. My example: This transfer will fail.
I ask myself…is this a fact? The answer is no.
Okay, let's write down the facts. I have plenty of eggs. My body responds to the medications. I can produce high quality embryos. I trust my doctor. I have a supportive husband.
I am now "reframing" my fears and worries as soon as they become a thought and I turn it into thoughts that are facts. The things that I know to be true that are positive. I immediately stop the cycle of going down the rabbit hole of anxiety. This gives me some control in a process where there is not much control.
Meditate. I have been meditating for the past three weeks every morning right after I wake up. She was really happy to hear that I was already practicing self-care in this way. I’m using an app called Insight Timer, which I really like. I typically do a guided meditation that is under 10 minutes. It helps me feel grounded and calm before I start my day. I have always made excuses as to why meditation is not for me…I don’t have time, I can’t stay focused, etc., etc. Make time. And who cares if you can’t stay focused. It takes practice. Start with 3 minutes and work your way up. She also recommended two other apps: Headspace and FertiCalm. Ferticalm is not a meditation app, but it provides tips for women battling infertility and helps address situations that may cause stress.
Use mantras & positive affirmations. She said this is something that is great to pair with meditation. My current mantras - I will be a mom. My body is enough. I can do this.
We had a great hour long session. I laughed, I cried but most importantly I feel like I am finally giving myself access to heal. I have not let myself feel connected to what we are about to go through because I am so afraid of going back into the darkness of anxiety. It’s a scary place to be. I am choosing to surrender to these fears and worries. Surrendering does not mean giving up. It simply means letting go of the hold these fears and worries have on my physical body. It means letting go of the stress and the grip it has over me. By letting go I am allowing divine grace to take control and guide me on this journey. I am ready to be all in, even if that means I’m accepting the unknown. In order to experience light, I must be willing to face darkness.
We start our stimulation injections tomorrow. I will continue practicing self-care as I surrender to the unknown of what’s to come. One week at a time. I will be a mom. My body is enough. I can do this.