Road Bumps

I know. It's been a while since I've typed out words on a page. The surrogacy process has been a lot. And honestly that's probably a good thing for me. I need something to do. I need something to focus on so that the time will pass quickly and I can feel like I have an ounce of control in the process to parenthood. Since my last post, so much has happened. We signed with our agency, Shared Conception. We matched with and met our wonderful surrogate, Brandi, who I adore. We made it through the psychological and medical evaluations. We started the legal process and have almost completed our gestational agreement. Completing all these steps included a lot of planning and organization, which my type A personality has thrived on. I am learning as I go. This process is not emotionally easy, but I am taking it day by day. My intention over the next few posts is to really dive deep into the process based on my experience. Before I do that, I want to update you on the past few months.

At the end of August, Brian and I go on a dream vacation. We road trip the Pacific Coast Highway for nine days. We drive over 800 miles in a top-down convertible from San Diego all the way to Napa. We sit by the pool drinking rose in LA. We soak up all the beautiful weather in Santa Barbara. We spend two nights glamping in the Big Sur, making smores in our big fire pit. We stroll down Haight Ashbury in San Francisco. The months preceding this trip have been so wrapped up in heartache from our third egg retrieval and sixth failed transfer that we need this escape from our reality more than we even realize. We match with our perfect surrogate just 10 days before we leave, so we are riding the high of a new chapter. It is our opportunity to peel away the layers of loss, failure, disappointment and heartache. We have a fresh start and we are excited for this journey to start on the PCH. We say goodbye to our fertility woes in the rearview mirror.

And then we get a phone call. It is the last day of our trip. We are in Napa enjoying a glass of wine at our second winery. I look down and my sister has called twice and I have a text from my mom that says "call back 911." My heart starts pounding out of my chest. Trying to keep my cool, I call my sister back. Her voice is shaking. She says, "Holly, I just talked to (a family friend) and there is a 16 year old who had a baby girl yesterday. She wants to give her up for adoption and they want to know if you and Brian will adopt the baby." My heart is pounding so hard at this point that I think you can actually hear it standing five feet away. My sister sends me a picture of this beautiful child. I'm looking at Brian basically begging him with tears in my eyes. Please let this be our baby. Brian is very pragmatic, but it didn't take him long to agree. We are now talking to all of our family members. We tell them we could potentially be bringing a baby home tomorrow. They are overjoyed. Without even having to think about it, we know we will still go down the surrogacy road, we will just have this baby too. Adoption has always been part of our plan, the timing just isn't exactly how we pictured it. I envision holding this sweet baby girl in my arms. I envision having two babies close in age. Our lives will be changed forever. I book flights directly from Oakland to the city where the baby is located. My sister starts packing up her car with things we will need, prepared to drive there if necessary. And the whole time I am thinking, this is a total God thing. Brian's aunt Kathy who we were so close with passed away the day before. The same day this baby was born. I am on and off the phone with the family friend who is communicating with the birth family. Or so I thought. I'm not sure how exactly, but at some point I realize our family friend had not been in direct contact with the birth family. So I call the woman who she is in direct communication with (the aunt of the girl who had just had a baby - so convoluted, I know) who very bluntly told me "I'm so sorry, but that's not possible. There is already a family that has been chosen." I just about die. Somewhere there was a big gap in communication. Everyone had the best intentions, it just all feels a little reckless. We all learn from it. It's part of our story now. Even though our hearts feel like they have been ripped out of our chests, we choose each other. And we get drunk.

Fast-forward about a month and a half. We finally get to meet our surrogate, Brandi, in person for the first time. We connect immediately. To know her is to love her. I am thankful. We complete our psych evaluation and pass with flying colors.

 A few weeks after that we are ready for the medical screening. We all get bloodwork done and Brandi does a procedure called a sonohysterogram. This procedure evaluates the uterus by flushing fluid through a catheter to make sure there are no polyps, scar tissue, etc. She went in on a Friday morning and we wait all day for the phone call with the results. It never comes. Ugh. This is the last step outside of the actual legal contract that is holding us back from scheduling a transfer. I am a nervous wreck all weekend. Monday finally arrives. We get the results and we are OFFICIALLY CLEARED! Tuesday comes and my nurse has created a transfer calendar. Brandi is to begin taking her transfer medication the following week. I can't believe this is happening. Everything is falling into place. We will be transferring in less than a month! I get home and Brian has a nice bottle of champagne waiting. We celebrate with happy tears. Our time has finally come.

I get a text from Brandi on Wednesday and she has been feeling some cramping and pain since her procedure on Friday. She has an appointment scheduled a few days later at the clinic to get checked out. I feel such a wave of guilt that she is having to undergo all of this just for us.

Thursday morning I wake up to a text from Brandi that says the pain has become so unbearable that she ended up going to the ER in the middle of the night. As I read her words I feel like the wind is getting knocked out of me. I am so worried and scared for her. The doctor is saying it could be an ectopic pregnancy because her blood draw came back with a quantitative HCG level. How can this be? We are all in shock because the likelihood of this happening is next to none for multiple reasons. She had taken a pregnancy test just six days before for that procedure and that came back negative. She has been on birth control for three weeks in preparation for everything. None of us can wrap our heads around what is happening. The OB schedules an exploratory surgery to determine what's going on. She spends 16 hours in the ER. She has a laparoscopic procedure done and the OB removes a mass that is sent off for biopsy.

My number one priority and concern is Brandi's health. The whole day I feel sick to my stomach with worry. Not just for her but for her family. I worry for her husband. I worry for her kiddos. This whole thing must be so scary for everyone. I can't imagine what they are going through. I keep trying to suppress my own selfish feelings, but the anxiety has a way of creeping in. What if Brandi has been so traumatized during this experience that she no longer wants to be our surrogate? What if she is no longer medically clear to be our surrogate? I start to go down the rabbit hole of despair. Just two days ago we were experiencing the highest of highs and drinking celebratory champagne. Tonight I am drowning myself in that same celebratory champagne trying to numb out the fear and anxiety.  

Friday. I wake up at 3am with a song blaring in my head on repeat. "Yes I Will" by Vertical Worship. I don't feel like I have even heard it that many times, but I was singing every word loud in my head. I hear from Brandi. She is at home resting and recovering well. I can't even begin to explain how uplifting and positive she is. In her own traumatic experience she is comforting ME! This woman is an angel. She reassures me that she is all in with me. I take a huge sigh of relief. I am so thankful to be on this journey with her.

Monday. Brandi has a follow up appointment with the OB. The pathology report is still not back yet, so we really don't have any clarity on what's going on. If you are the praying type - pray for good news! Pray that this pathology report comes back clear. Pray that Brandi heals well. Pray that we can continue on the path to Baby Waters.

All of this is way beyond my understanding. I don't know why this is happening. I may never know. One thing I do know is that our God never fails and our God is never late. And just like that song says that was blaring in my head…Yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy. Because I can still see and feel joy in all of this. Even when it's really hard.