Our Miracle

We're pregnant! NATURALLY! I still can't believe I am typing these words right now. God has blessed us with a miracle and I am rejoicing in it. After years of infertility treatments, I am in awe of what is happening. Every second of waiting was worth this chapter in my life.

So how did this happen?! Back in May (before my third egg retrieval and sixth IVF transfer) I decided I would give acupuncture a shot. Over the course of a few months, I really fell in love with my acupuncturist, Ceci at The Healing Arts & Sciences. She was kind and really listened to me. If anything, it was helping me mentally and emotionally and that was a good enough reason for me to continue. When our transfer failed, Ceci pleaded with me to continue acupuncture with her to see if I could get pregnant on my own. My answer was a big fat NO. At least not with that goal. I was so broken by that point. Brian and I decided to go down the surrogacy route and we had made up our minds. I did choose to continue going to acupuncture to see if she could regulate my cycle. I hadn't had a natural period or ovulated in three years, so I thought it was worth seeing if it would help. It did. I started to get a natural period. Every month. I was so excited that my body was doing the most basic thing. I felt like I was healing. I had an appointment on my birthday and she had two fingers on my wrist as she was taking my pulse. She very excitedly said “y’all are having sex, right??" She could tell just by taking my pulse that I was ovulating. I rushed home afterwards and took an ovulation test. Sure enough I was ovulating. I had never had a positive ovulation test, EVER. And I used to take them 30 days in a row, just in case. I google how long until I can take a pregnancy test…three days before missed period. In my mind, there was no way I would get pregnant. People like me don't just have sex and make a baby…that seemed impossible. So I enjoyed all the holiday parties with as much champagne as possible. I worked out five days a week, including a six mile run that seemed much harder than normal. Two days after that run on December 10th it was time. I only had a digital pregnancy test and I wasn't about to buy anymore because those things are freaking expensive. And well, the odds of it being positive were zero in my mind. I wake up and I pee on a stick and get back in bed with Brian. I think for a split second we both thought WHAT IF…but then quickly pushed it away to protect our hearts. And then we see it…YES+. This can't be real. Am I dreaming? We stare at each other and then back at the positive pregnancy test for at least five minutes with huge smiles. We are speechless. And then I break down and cry. How is this possible? It's a miracle. I immediately call my nurse at my fertility clinic and they get me in for a blood test. Normally blood work results take 4+ hours to come back. I got a call within 45 minutes letting me know I was pregnant. It was unreal. The only words I had ever heard before with this test were "I'm so sorry, but you're not pregnant." I couldn’t believe this was happening. I still can't. I took two more blood tests and my levels were rising perfectly. At our first ultrasound at 5.5 weeks, we saw the gestational sac and the yolk sac. There was a baby in there!

I think it's important to mention that back in November we were fully cleared for a transfer with our surrogate, Brandi. We got a transfer date of 12/2 and we were all so excited to move forward in the process. And then the unexpected happened. Brandi had a bizarre ectopic pregnancy while she was on birth control in preparation for the transfer, which postponed everything for about 6-8 weeks. A week after our original transfer date, we found out we were pregnant naturally.

Once we knew we were pregnant we wanted to tell Brandi right away. Mainly because we have had such a strong sense of trust from day one and I didn't want to break that. So with tears in my eyes and a shaky voice, I made the phone call. I was so nervous to tell her. It was hard to potentially be letting go of a plan that we have both put so much time and emotional energy into. I told her that it was still so early, so anything could happen. That we would love for her to wait with us through the first trimester, but understood if she wanted to move on. Without hesitation she said "of course I'll wait with you." Since that moment she has been my biggest cheerleader. Y’all, I just love this woman so much. She exudes pure joy in everything she says and does and has been such a light to me through everything. And she has already given me the greatest gift. She has given me the time and space to heal my body and mind. When we started our surrogacy journey, I no longer focused on my broken body, but instead on healing my soul. I lived my life more in five months than I had in three years. The stress and pressure I had been under was breaking me. Brandi lifted that. I stopped second guessing everything I was doing. Should I eat this? Should I not eat that? Is this glass of wine going to impact my fertility? Am I working out too much? Am I not working out enough? I asked myself these questions every day for three years. Brandi allowed me to let go of the self-doubt. I was on a first name basis with the staff at our favorite wine bar…maybe not something to brag about - but I fully enjoyed my wine without shame or guilt. I worked out five times a week and trained for a half marathon. I filled up my own cup without the anxiety of what I was doing wrong. I can't adequately describe my gratitude for Brandi. No, she didn't carry my child, but God put her in my life for a reason. I am certain of that.

At the time I told Brandi, we were only four weeks pregnant and I was terrified. But I was also JOYFUL. I decided that no matter what happens, God made me a mama. This is my baby. My miracle that beat all the odds. This little babe is already a warrior. Then at our six week appointment, we heard the faintest little heartbeat. I cried tears of joy. And at our 8 week appointment we heard a strong heartbeat. I bawled. To be honest, I really haven't stopped crying happy tears. Brian and I had fully and wholeheartedly accepted that we would become parents uniquely. That my body might never know what it's like to feel pregnant and carry a child. That Brian would never get to kiss my big pregnant belly at night or show off his pregnant wife. That I would watch someone else go through each phase of pregnancy with our child while I stood on the sidelines. It wasn't always easy to think about, but we accepted it. And now I get to feel all the pregnancy symptoms. I am rejoicing in the pure exhaustion and nausea because it’s a reminder that this baby is growing. I have never been more thankful in my life. I have never appreciated anything this much, ever. I’ve realized that feeling broken has allowed me to fully embrace feeling whole. Each day with this baby is a blessing.

For everyone that has prayed for us, you helped pray this miracle into existence. We will never be able to express how truly grateful we are for all the support and love we have received since I opened up about our fertility struggles. Because of you, I am stronger. You have given me space to be vulnerable and to heal my broken heart. I am so thankful for that. We would love for you to pray for this baby. We are just about 11 weeks, but I am confident in His promise no matter what happens. Anytime I grow weary or anxious, I whisper "I trust you Jesus, you see what I cannot see." A song lyric that resonates deeply with me.

And for the couples that are waiting…I see you. You are not alone. I feel your broken hearts and your weary souls. Know that God is preparing your heart and even when your faith is weak, He is right by your side. Your miracle will come too, no matter how it gets here. I'm praying for it.